Thinking of the future.

I havent wrote on here for awhile. I suppose not much to report. After loosing chloe it made me evaluate life abit more seriously. I felt guilty the fact that she was gone and i was still here. It made me think i dont just want to drift through life. I want to do things , and see things. One of the important things in life to me, if not the only important thing to me is a child. I believe there is one role for me and that is "mother". It is so hard to have such "grown up" conversations about things you dont want to think about for many years to come. I dont want to fast forward my life. I dont want to feel rushed into anything. But i also dont want to do nothing and not think about things and look back and hate my self for it. So first step is to move out, (most scariest thought ever). So i put my name down for the counicl, obviously going to take along time but i hope when i am finally ready i wont have to wait too long. The next biggest thing that has happened this week is that my partner got tested to see if he is a carrier of the CF gene, we wont know the results for at least 2-5 weeks. I am terrified even though i wont admit it to anyone. I think for along time i always thought can we be that unlucky ? Am i tempting fate as where not actually going to try for a baby as yet ? But then i am glad he has been tested because if we waited till we was ready to have kids it would of ment waiting longer. Then if it came back he was and we had to go threw ivf , that means even longer. I know i havent been told "leah your going to die at this age" but i have never felt time was always on my side. I dont think any one can think like that, "all the time in the world". You could be knocked down by a car tommorow and you may never of achieved the things you wanted because you always thought there was going to be many tomorrows. I dont feel sorry for my self having this view on life, i think I'm kind of lucky. I do not take anything for granted, not my family, friends or my boyfriend. I know how special life is and i know how special they all are. (Nothing like a incurable illness to give you prospective in life). So the wheels are set in motion for the future. I just have to sit here and twiddle my thumbs till i get the results back. Either way we will deal with it. What ever the out come.

No one said it was going to be easy they just said it would be worth it.