So this is what "sick" feels like.

So last month I turned 21 ! , & it was a emosh time. Growing up I always thought i would turn 21, my parents brought me up possitive and to belive id be the oldest living cf. I don't know if it survivors guilt, but I just feel so lucky, overly lucky  , I am 21 years old. I have seen many not make it this far and it's a sad thought , so I am proud and happy that I am one of the lucky ones, still going strong :). I had a beautiful birthday , thanks to my family and friends and my wonderful boyfriend ! These last five years I have been IV free and I have been really well , but after coming home from Mexico I was really sick. So I went to the hospital to see what was going on , iv lost a stone in a week and my lung function has dropped from 76% to 49%/50%. Which scared the crap out of me. My lung function hasn't been that low in a long time , so I am on antibiotics and if I go back to the hospital in a weeks time and I'm not back up to where I usually am then I will have to go in for IVs. Which I will be dissapointed if I have to, but I also have to remember I have had a really good run and I'm not super women , I am going to get sick some times and I just have to work hard to keep well. There is a small voice in the back of my head which is saying "what if lung function doesn't go back up" and what if I go back to being in hospital every three months. I am just praying my "luck" hasn't run out yet and I can manage a bit longer with out Ivs. It has knocked me mentally aswell and physically , my main goal in life is to be a mum (may seem simple to some , but it's not a gift everyone is lucky enough to get) and the way I have felt these few weeks is terrible. My lungs have shocked me , my body was weak. But I am starting to feel much better and more possitive. My family is used to the whole hospital crap, but jack has had the "best" years out of me, he hasn't really seen me sick, I haven't been in and out of hospital since iv been with him. I suppose abit of me is scared if the whole medical road gets tough he won't be able to handle it or think "what am I letting my self in for" if stuff gets bad. In my heart I know he is a strong guy , and if he had any worries he would tell me, but I am not stupid I know it's a lot to take on , "a sick person" but I luckly see loads of Cfs with their wonderful partners , getting married and having babies and moving in. I have felt "normal" & had normality for so long now, it's almost like I forget I have cf , which I know is silly but I have been so well and not been in hospital. I have got rid of my port, my younger life seems like it was some one else's life and not my own. It's strange. I'm scared I'm almost not going to be able to cope with getting sick as I get older , I know how jacks mind works and it's like he sees me as superwomen and I will never have Ivs again and push 3 kids out and be healthy for ever lol. I suppose that's why I love him. I have never seen him look at me like a "sick" person. What ever the next couple of weeks have in store for me I will cope with it. If I have to go in to hospital I will, I have done it before & I will have to do it again lol. It seems so silly , some of my friends are lucky to be at home 4 weeks at a time and here i am worring after not being in hospital for 5 years. I feel like a kid starting high school lol. I am determined to stay well, so I can get married & have babies and be the oldest ever living cf ! Lol. X